Saturday, September 29, 2007

LOST!!!


It’s been long since I’ve written, was too caught up with life… so thought why not catch life for some time…. Someone asked me to retrospect or rather introspect... donno watevr the word is or whatevr fits in the situation… so I tried giving it a shot and found a FACE and a NULL.

FACE of someone by whom ‘I’m captured all day long… God knows why… want to get rid of the face and those memories… but it seems that I won’t be able to do it just like many other things…

And the NULL is still to be understood… While programming I always hated this NULL because it represented nothing, and now this NULL is what I’ve within me… This void is haunting me I suppose!!! This is not what I wanted….
But the frequency at which human desires change its facets is phenomenal… When I was I kid I wanted to be a designer… then the outer world becharmed me and I proposed to my mind the thought of being an astronaut….
In few years my thoughts espoused the mob for the first time, and economics tranced me, but somehow ‘I’ ended up doing engineering This was one of the major Carrefour in the journey… From here life took the initiative of screwing itself…. But being an optimist I thought that its just gonna be a game of 4 yrs, then I’ll change the lane n get into finance by doing an MBA .
Somewhere in middle of otiose part of animation I got placed… but any one who knew me thought that I’m not made for a job like this… So I took it as a challenge and joined an IT firm. It was only in 3 months that I realized that I’m actually not made for it… but since my character has been modeled in such a fashion that I’m not countenanced to give up… So I pulled up myself and strengthened the challenge by joining a better firm… I switched my job…but definitely I’m still craving to get outta here.
Although I’m doin well but it is all that ‘I’m doing… I’m competing with my own self… I’m trying to trounce myself… this life is trying to win over me by ruining ‘I’!!!!
To screw myself further I joined a coaching institute which would help me to get into a B-school, and amid of all this I find no time for thinking what “I” really want…
I know I have always admired my dad for being an entrepreneur and very strongly in my mind and heart I aspire to be the same… but have no time to excogitate a way for it… or should I say I’ve switched so many lanes that I’ve lost the track of it… My life is eating me up… my heart is aching… and my mind has been enslaved…
The other day I looked into my mom’s eyes and they told me that how lost I’m…. and how badly those eyes miss me… it’s been long since they have seen her daughter… mom told me the story of a girl… the story was amazing… The central character had wings of dreams… She rode the wings of air n fire… her smile played miracles for many…. Her presence always built up an ambience of love. In the end she told me that this girl is her daughter who’s lost somewhere in the race… The narration made me realize the void ‘I’m living with…. There are so many other things I want, but have stifled all those desires with a hope that some other day I’ll get time to execute them…
I want to sleep continuously for days in mother’s lap…
I want to enjoy the music…
I want to wander aimlessly …
I want to explore the space…
I want to laugh…
I want to live again…. But....

1 comment:

daman kohli said...

good to see u back after a long break ,and it's my personal experience we don't always get things we want in our lives ....if this was to be then our life would have been simpler ..there would be no struggles ,the sheer joy and pleasure you get after the desperation is fantastic...and it's about enjoying the journey and getting LOST in it ......

The saying goes ( i'm not sure these are the right words)...DESTINATION IS NOT IMPORTANT BUT THE JOURNEY YOU TAKE IS !!!